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Jokes
a. The Hot Date
A teenager of about 17 has a hot date with a girl, so he decided to go to the
pharmacy to buy some condoms. The pharmacist says, "What can I help you
with?" The teen hesitantly says, "I'd like to...uh... ah... buy a
condom." Pharmacist says, "Okay. Here you are." (Sets a box of
condoms on counter) The teen, thinking that was rather easy and painless, says,
"Well, now that I think about it, I think I'll be needing two boxes of
condoms." The pharmacist replies, "Well, okay." (Gets another
one) The teen, getting even bolder, then says, "Actually, its a pretty
hot date I have tonight. I think I'll be needing four boxes of condoms." The teen keeps changing his mind and increasing the number of condoms he wants
until he's leaving the pharmacy with 20 boxes of condoms.
Later that night, the teenager arrives at his girlfriend's house. She tells
him that he's invited to stay for dinner. So he goes in and sits down at the
table with all of her family. The father asks if he'd like to say grace before
beginning the meal. The teen accepts and says the following, "Oh Lord,
thank you for this food and the hands that made it, and the people who took
the time to grow it and... (goes on for nearly 10 minutes, blessing 'everything'
including the table, the silverware, all the containers, the floor, etc...)
...Amen."
The girl turns to the teen and says, "Gee, I didn't know that you were
really religious." The teen whispers back, "Well, I didn't know that
your dad was a pharmacist."
b. The "Green Beret"
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has
paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance,
with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and
asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he
comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant
duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?" ask the chemist. "I did", replied
the assistant. "And...where did he go?" "Over to your house..."
c. The Wigwam
One day the Indian Chief, Running Bear, was walking in the forest with his son.
His son was just 13 years old, quite tall and clearly on the verge of becoming
a full-fledged "man."
Suddenly he asked his father, "Dad, why is your name Running Bear." "Well," he replied, "when I was conceived your grandmother and
grandfather saw a bear run past them in the woods. That was a sign and they
named me after it."
They walked along a bit further.
"And my sister, Falling Rocks," the young Indian went on, "why
did you name her that?"
The father explained, "When your mother and I made your sister there was
an avalanche not far off and we heard rumbling and falling rocks."
"So, you were named and my sister was named after an event in nature on
the day of our creation? Is that how I should understand this. Is that why we
have such names."
The father took out a cigarette and lit it, he said, "That is correct.
The gods explain to us why and how and under what conditions we are made. Why
do you ask such questions, Broken Rubber?"
Failed Public Health Slogans
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4. When in doubt shroud you spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10. If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
15. Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
16. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
17. The right selection, is to protect your erection
18. Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
29. A crank with armor, will never harm her
20. If you really love her, wear a cover
21. Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
22. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
23. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
24. No glove, no love
25. If you think she'll sigh, cover ol' one eye
26. Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
27. Avoid a frown, contain your clown
28. Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
29. Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
30. The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
31. Cloak the joker before you poke her
32. Encase that torch before you paint her porch
33. Cape your throbber before you bob her
34. After detection sheath your erection
35. Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
36. Cover that lumber before you pump her
37. Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
38. She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
39. House your noodle then release your strudel
40. Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
41. Cage that snake then shake and bake
42. Cover your peter it will be much neater
43. It's always funky to cage your monkey
44. It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
45. It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
46. It's not much money to catch your honey
47. Don't be a fool cover your tool
48. Stitch that switch then itch her niche
49. Wrap that tool to catch the drool
50. It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
51. Restrain your log then plow her bog
52. Glove your pecker before you check her
53. Condomize then womanize
54. Cover old pete then grind her meat
55. Guard your peter before you meet her
56. Check your list before you tryst
57. Wrap your bate before you mate
58. Can your worm before you squirm
59. Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
60. Bag the mole then do her hole
61. Cuff your carrot before you share it
62. Jail your number then call the plumber
63. Cover your vein then drive her insane
64. Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
65. Protect your dink then fluff her mink
66. Hide ole Harry then take her cherry
67. Wrap that spout then bore her out
68. Conceal your train don't cause her pain
69. Guard your bridge then do her ridge
70. Shroud your trout then make her shout
71. Wrap your spout to catch the trout
72. Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
73. Cover your steamer before you ream her
74. Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
75. Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
76. Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
77. Clothe the boner before you hone her
78. Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
79. Cork your pump or you don't hump
80. Dress that erection to make a deflection
81. Contain that shanker before you spank her
82. Cap that seeder before you breed her
83. Stop the stream before you cream
84. Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
85. Protect your screw to catch that glue
86. Package your meat for a real neat treat
87. Holster your gun then shooting's more fun
88. Canvas that trailer before you nail her
89. Garage the tractor then attack her
90. Net that grass hopper before you pop her
91. Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
92. Trim your hardwood then do her real good
93. Garnish your oak then give her a poke
94. Catch that goat before it bloats
95. Restrain your hammer then wham bam her
96. Prune that stalk then make her squawk
97. Wrap that rod then please her bod
98. Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
99. House that bottle then mash her throttle
100. Sash that hash then thrash that gash
101. Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
102. Contain ol' Doug then clean her rug
103. Cover your limb before you swim
104. Retain your bailer then impale her
105. Rope your dope then make some soap
106. Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
107. Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
108. Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
109. Cover your stone before you bone
110. House your hose then curl her toes
111. Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
112. Shield your rocks then pond her box
113. Cover old sly then do her dry
114. Wrap your rail then fill her pail
115. Glove your chimney before you come in me
116. If you're nude, tube your dude
117. Cloak your hitter then go split her
118. Wrap your nipper before you dip her
119. Corral your ram then slice her ham
120. Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
121. Twist your wick then stick that prick
122. Cover old Bart then dart her tart
123. Shed old spot then do her slot
124. Drawer your pip then split her lips
125. Contain that leach then mash her peach
126. Bag your elm then take the helm
127. Constrain your gem to catch the flem
128. Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
129. Survey your land then plant her stand
130. Before you drive her protect that diver
131. Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
132. Cover you post then slice her roast
133. Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
134. Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
135. Contain that viper before you pipe her
136. Tub that sub then rub her hub
137. Wrap Mr. Clean then introduce her spleen
Whose Condom Would You Use?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh, what a feeling!
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey... you never know.
Glade Fresh Scents: Plug it in, Plug it in.
Breyers: Taste, not technology.
Duracell: Can't top the copper top.
Volkswagon Condoms: Drivers Wanted.
Palmolive Condom: Tough on grease, not on hands.
Disney condom: Remember the magic.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."
Microsoft: Where do you want to go today?
M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
McDonald's Condom: Have you had your break today?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
Hanes (ladies): Just my size!
Wide Leg Jeans: It's wide open!
Easy-Off Kitchen Condoms: It does all the work, so you hardly have to work at all.
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